Three Weeks Dry

It’s been three weeks since I last had a job. Three weeks to go through lots of emotions; to move through various stages of fatigue. It has been an interesting time for me. To allow so much to flow through my mind, body, and spirit. Feeling so much, and yet not having any distractions to staunch the torrent. In the past, solving other people’s problems has helped to numb my thoughts, but not anymore. It is all so foreign, yet familiar in an odd way.

I overall feel grounded, but don’t get me wrong, I’ve had many moments of feeling insane. Experiencing many emotions, including agitation, listlessness, insecurity, discomfort, edginess, and more, however through all of them, there hasn’t been an ounce of regret. So even though I have no idea what my next step is, I know that looking back is not it – only forward. I’m clear that I need time, time to unwind, to be with just me. I require savoring every moment, even the difficult ones to reconnect with… no, not reconnect, but to acquaint myself with who I am WITHOUT a career.

Yesterday, I hit the trails, yet again, and I was feeling a little weary. Tired in my body, cold (as summers in Tahoe often are unpredictable), and I began to think about my response to being uncomfortable. Given it was a little colder than I had planned my immediate reaction was to turn around and walk back to the car. And then I thought about how I would stay on the mountain, in discomfort, if it was something I committed to for someone else. But for me, I would happily bail.

How weird that I was taught to suffer for others, but not for myself – even if that suffering for me, would get me somewhere better. To suffer for something that I would enjoy more, like a healthier mind or soul (as walking in the woods can do). But just as I was going to give up on myself, yet again, I remembered in a moment when the sun peeked out that this venture of leaving my job and taking time, was for ME, to prioritize ME above all others and so I kept trekking. I noodled on what I would need to pack in the future on such hikes in the Sierras, what things I would take away from the discomfort – like the impermanence of a moment, even those difficult ones. How the contrast of being cold allows for those wonderful moments of joy in heat.

Everything has its opposite for a reason. The universe isn’t designed just for joy and happiness. It is designed to experience all the things, and if I can just hold onto this notion, to honor the suck, then perhaps this next chapter in my life will feel even sweeter than that which has come before. As I enter this fourth week, I honor my journey and a new sense of self – onward I go, excited to see where I end up.

Until next time: Be well, be safe, be free!