Loving myself has been a journey

Recently my sister-in-law came by to drop off some plant cuttings for my garden. As we dug around in the dirt, the topic of self-love came up. I know it’s something she’s contended with, and it is one of THE biggest areas where I have struggled. Our conversation got me thinking, what is the formula for self-love?  

When I was a kid, I watched my mom as she battled her weight, in constant frustration with the shape of it. Anger, sadness, disappointment, shame, all flashing across her face as she stared in the mirror. You could see, she was tortured and struggled to love herself as unconditionally as she loved us, her kids.

Recently, I realized how much of her struggle has been embedded in my own journey to love myself. You see, as I grew and matured, my body shape was very much her shape. There are many moments that are embedded in my psyche when I thought about my body. My dad laughing and teasing me about my baby fat. A friend in junior high, telling me it was “cute” that my body hadn’t yet matured, the frustration with my body when clothes designed for a different body shape didn’t fit. Of working out hard, watching what I ate just to never feel peace and love in my own skin. And those flashes, in the mirror. My mom’s struggle became part of my own memory, a generational imprint that took hold more deeply than any of my own experiences.

You see that’s the thing. Sometimes the work that is to be done, isn’t just about changing one thing. To start high-fiving yourself in the mirror each morning, or to “just give your body parts gratitude to see how self-love blossoms”. Some of us aren’t quite wired that way. There are things that we must unpack and contend with, to sort so that we may understand and in that understanding we can begin to let go. And yes, that letting go can accelerate, and magically things can change before you realize it.

I know, because it happened to me. I’ve been on a fitness journey, again, but this time it’s been different. It hasn’t just been about looking good and fitting into clothes in ways that feel more comfortable to me. It has been about building strength as I age. To take time and work through my dependency on food (which could be another post altogether). And as I work through layer after layer of these moments, these difficult ways I saw myself, they slowly have begun to release.

I no longer ache to look a certain way, I don’t even envy the twenty somethings and their beautiful skin and toned glow. I am happier at 47 than I’ve ever been, and had it not been for all the muck I went through this moment may not be as sweet. And if you don’t believe me, because you are in the thick of it, that is OK. Just know that I have been where you are, that I have felt deep suffering and pain, and I made it through. And in this moment, I would encourage you to do one of two things (or both if you choose):

1. Breathe. When you are feeling those deep feelings that becoming intruding ruminations, whereby you lose focus on everything else. Breathe.

   In through your nose, out through your mouth. Slowly, slowly, breathe. This will help your body regulate, deescalate and move you out of survival mode.

   Keep breathing. Once you feel regulated (I usually yawn as an indicator of having moved out of survival state), you can move into a processing exercise, or you can go about your day and come back to this when you feel ready.

2. Journal. Pull out a piece of paper, your notepad app, or speak it out, what feelings come up for you? What are you noticing?

   
   

   Keep breathing. Grab a sip of water, keep signaling to your body that you are safe.

   
   

   Any other feelings? Where do you feel these feelings? Are they in your belly, your chest, your throat? Keep breathing.

   
   

   What do they feel, look, sound like? Keep breathing.

   
   

   Anything else you want to jot down? At this point, you may tear up, laugh, feel additional emotions that are sitting just behind the initial ones you felt, and that’s ok. You are pealing back layers here. Keep breathing.

   
   

   What else do you notice? Keep processing, keep breathing. Whatever comes up allow it to come up.

At some point, you will run out of steam, this means you are complete for now. Grab a drink of water, gently move about. Let go of this moment and move forward with your day. Certainly, if you are still feeling emotional it means there is more to be processed. If you can’t spend more time here, then go back to the breathing, grab a meditation (especially guided one), to help you self-regulate and come back to this process later.

Things will begin rearranging when you allow yourself to fully feel those pent-up emotions that were never fully expressed at the time they happened and though it may feel like you are coming undone, in my experience, and what I’ve observed in others, that moment of absolute goo never lasts long. Just like the caterpillar in the cocoon turns to a gelatinous mess before forming itself into a butterfly, so will you as you reintegrate these significant moments in your life.   

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