I wish I had known

I wish I had admitted to myself that I wanted everything to be perfect. Well, not perfect, but peaceful. Growing up I did a lot of hurry up and wait. As the youngest of four and a latchkey kid, my life was punctuated by long moments of quiet, lost in thought, in a book or a TV show with the whirlwind of activity that was my siblings and parents.

Whenever they came home, whether it was one or more, they vibrated with energy that would make me anxious. My nervous system may have been dysregulated as a result. Never mind that I’m highly sensitive bordering on empathetic, everything that was “out there” energetically would end up bouncing around my brain and body and I had no clue what to do with it.

I wish then, I had known that it was hard for me to separate someone else’s energy from my own. That I had to be careful to clear myself of others’ thoughts so that I could get clarity of my own. I mean, I don’t regret it all, as I wouldn’t be where I am today without it, but perhaps I would have gotten to this place of peace and joy sooner.

How many of you out there judge your peace or happiness in this way? That you ask your friends, family, or look to social to find out what you should want? Trust me, I’ve been there and done that, and it’s ok to admit. The amount of time I’ve spent asking others what I should do would have been better spent figuring out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. Don’t you agree?

Hardest for me was to separate others' stuff from my own. This was essential. Once I could understand the need for separation, I had to figure out how to reconnect with my desires. After years of connecting with dreams that were outside of me, it was hard to discern what was truly mine.

I began by journaling, meditating, and doing yoga, but none of that worked. It took time for me to realize that nature was my ally. When I stumbled into spending time alone in nature, a deep connection occurred. It didn’t happen all at once, but over time, I realized the sacred space it created. Time alone, in nature, allowed me to listen deeply to my thoughts and desires and to really hear and connect with them.

You see, what happens is you begin the trek, full of others’ stuff. Full of your egos noise. But, as you start climbing the mountain, allowing your body to just be. Your heartbeat ticks up, your breath turns ragged, and there is no room. In that primal state you cannot house the outside world. It is when you are sweaty, coursing with endorphins that you can hear your inner knowing. Oh, those moments of beauty!

I wish I had known sooner that time in nature is essential - strike that - time by myself in nature is essential to homing in on my truth. To drop others' anxiety, offering it to the earth in sweat and occasional tears as I scream at God or mother nature, “WHO put this mountain here!”

Yeah, part of me wishes I had known sooner, that I carried everyone else’s stuff. That I used others’ dreams to guide my own. But then again, I’m not sure I would be the person I am today, without moving through life having to learn this lesson. Life is not perfect, but it sure is full of peace and joy and perfection (of its own kind) when you are living it for yourself and what your heart most desires.

Thoughts? Comments? Does it even resonate? Let me know, I’d love to hear.

Until next time … Be well, be safe and be free.